WHY CAN'T SHE FORGET ?
Intimacy
When a child is sexually abused, the abuser is usually someone the child loves and trusts. The abuser betrays that trust, and denies the child the opportunity of being loved and valued unconditionally. She may feel ashamed or dirty because of what was done to her, and may think that it was something about her that caused her to be abused. The abuser will often blame the child in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own criminal behaviour and instill in the child a sense of guilt which makes her feel equally responsible for what is happening. (See Leaflet Number 1). The child may begin to believe that she does not deserve to be treated with care and respect. Because the abuse produces such a confusing range of emotions and feelings, the child may learn to block these out or learn not to trust her own feelings.
As an adult she may
- Find it difficult to be close to anyone
- Cling to people, seeking the love and approval she was denied as a child
- Put other peoples needs first, feeling she does not deserve to have her needs considered
- Have difficulty identifying or expressing her feelings
You can support her by
- Demonstrating that you can be trusted by only making offers and commitments you know you can keep
- Asking her about her needs and how you can help her meet them, support her to put her needs first
- Respect her privacy
Sexuality
When a child is abused by an adult, sexual acts are used in such a way to make her feel powerless, humiliated, frightened and betrayed. She has no control over what is happening to her, no choice in what is done or not done to her body. An adult sexual agenda has been forced upon her, as a result she has been denied the opportunity to develop and explore her own sexuality at a natural pace. As a young child she may have had sexual feelings awakened too early, this will have confused her and she may feel guilty for feeling sexual enjoyment now. As a young child she may have learned to ëswitch offí and go numb. Being abused has been the only time she was shown anything resembling affection, the abuse may have been the only attention she received.
She may have learned to believe that her only value was sexual.
As an adult she may
- Avoid sex
- Seek sex in order to get her needs for affection and tenderness met
- Feel repulsed during sex or even at the thought of having sex
- Appear to function sexually, while actually being numb during the experience
- Experience flashbacks of the abuse during sex
You can support her by
- Letting her control sexual interactions - by only doing what she feels safe and comfortable with
- Letting her know that it's OK to say 'no' - that her value to you is more than sexual
- Offering her non-sexual forms of physical intimacy, holding hands, massage and hugging.
Power and Control
Power and control is the central feature of sexual abuse of children. Children in our society are extremely powerless and vulnerable and reliant on adults. Moreover they are taught to trust and obey the adults on their lives. Some adults use their position of trust as a means to exploit the child sexually. The child experiences having no power or control of her own. She cannot even decide what happens to her own body. She feels guilty about having no power to stop the abuse.
Regaining a sense of control and personal power in her life is essential for healing from childhood sexual abuse.
Don't
- Ignore it
- Take charge
- Blame her in any way whatsoever
- Sympathise with the abuser or make excuses for them
- Offer her support which you cannot provide
Do
- Believe the survivor
- Listen to her
- Recognise the harm that was done to her
- Validate her feelings, pain, fear and anger are normal reactions
- Respect the time and space she needs to heal
- Ask her what she needs from you
- Encourage her to get counselling and support
- Seek support for yourself, you need it too